Metal Gear Fun
by EvilMentalHamster
Summary: An amusing walkthrough of Metal Gear Solid. Inspired by Resident Fun by Gerkyhen.
1. Metal Gear Solid

_Alaska – Bering Sea_

The submarine swam through the chilly sea.

"The nuclear weapons disposal facility on Shadow Moses Island in Alaska's Fox Archipelago was attacked and captured by Next Generation Special Forces Bitch Fucks being led by members of FOX-HOUND.

They're demanding that the government turn over the remains of Big Boss…disgusting I know… and they say that if their demands are not met in 24 hours, they'll blow some shit up.

You'll have two mission objectives. First you're to rescue DARPA chief, Donald Duck Anderson and the President of ArmsTech, Kenneth Bun Baker. Both are being held as hostages.

Secondly, you're to investigate whether or not the terrorists have the ability to make shit blow up… and stop them if they do."

"What's the insertion method?" Snake asked

"We'll approach the disposal facility by sub."

Snake readied himself "And then?"

"We'll launch a one-man SDV. After the SDV gets as close as it can, dispose of it. From there on you'll have to swim."

The SDV was launched and Snake's adventure began. He shook around like a rag doll.

"High Tech Special Forces Bitch Fucks Unit FOX-HOUND. Your former unit and one that I was a commander of,"

"So they're still around," Snake said.

"There are six members of FOX-HOUND involved in this terrorist activity. Psycho Mantis, with powerful sexual psychic abilities. Sniper Wolf, the sexy lady with a sniper. Decoy Octopus, master of cosplay. Vulcan Raven, a big bald muscle dude. And Revolver Ocelot, some guy who can shoot a gun. And finally, in charge of them… FOX-HOUND's squad leader, Liquid Snake."

The SVD came apart and Snake began to swim "Liquid Snake?"

"The man with a slightly less sexual code name than you. The nuclear weapons disposal facility covers the whole island. I'll instruct you by codec after you reach your target,"

"Anyone going with me?" Snake eagerly asked.

"As usual, this is a one-man infiltration mission."

Snake swam ever closer to the facility like a sperm reaching an egg "I'm guessing that you're not giving me any weapons you cheap bastards?"

"Yes. This is a top-secret black op. Don't expect any official support."

Snake reached the surface of the water; he then grabbed onto a ledge and pulled himself up on to the land. He started to remove his flippers.

"Stay alert!" Liquid Snake ordered the guards "He'll be through here… I know it. I'm going to swat down a couple of bothersome flies I don't know why they annoy me…maybe because I smell, hmm I'm going to have to take shower aren't I?"

The guard didn't answer.

"I hate showers," Liquid Snake muttered.

He pressed a button on the elevator and was brought up towards the ground floor.

The guard watched Liquid go up and when he knew he had gone, the guard pulled his earphones out and chuckled.

Snake kneeled behind a large container and activated his codec.

The lovely codec screen popped up and the conversation began.

"This is Snake," Snake said "Colonel, can you hear me?"

"Loud and clear," Colonel confirmed "Wassup?"

"Look's like the elevator in the back is the only way up." Snake said.

"Just as I expected, you'll have to take the elevator to the surface. But make sure nobody sees you. If you need to, then give me a call and we'll have a chat. The frequency is 140.85. When you want to use the Codec, push the select button on your Playstation controller. When we need to contact you, the Codec will make you fart. When you fart, press the select button again. The Codec's receiver directly stimulates your buttocks and vibrates all the way up to the small bones in your ear. No-one but you will be able to hear it unless you fart loudly,"

"Got it, silent but deadly." He readied himself "Okay. I'm ready to go."

He turned off the Codec and crawled under box. He stood up and ran over to another box expertly dodged out of the sight of a guard. He then ran over to another box and hid under it, watching a guard patrol towards the box but still not notice Snake like a complete douche. He crawled from under the box and ran quickly towards a fork lift, he hid behind the fork lift and even though a guard was looking directly at him, he wasn't noticed. He waited there until the elevator came back down and ran past the guard who came off. And even though the guard noticed Snake, he couldn't be bothered to shoot at Snake even though he could have quite easily. Snake was on the elevator up towards Shadow Moses and he was going to save the world!


	2. Landing pad

As the elevator went up Snake removed all his swimming gear and then removed his woolly jumper that his grandma had knitted for him that he had promised to wear (He didn't want to insult her so he wore it for the start of the journey). Last of all he removed his swimming mask and then posed in a dramatic way. Still the guards could have shot at him if they wanted but they simply disappeared.

Then the Metal Gear Solid sign appeared above him head.

The elevator arrived up at the top and onto the snowy ground. The elevator flashed red lights and made a hell of a racket so it's a wonder that none of the guards came to inspect it. Snake ran off the elevator and contacted Codec by pressing Select on his controller.

"It's Snake;" He said "I'm in front of the disposal facility,"

"Excellent, Snake," Colonel said "Age hasn't slowed you down one bit,"

"Fuck you," Snake growled.

A new face popped up, it was Naomi Campbell "How's that Sneaking Suit working out?"

"I'm nice and dry, but it keeps riding up my arse and balls hurt," Snake replied.

"Bear with it. It's designed to prevent hypothermia." She said "This is Alaska, you know."

"Take it easy, I'm grateful." Snake reassured her "If it weren't for you're suit and your shot; I would've turned into a popsicle out there…. A popsicle that kicks ass,"

"An anti-freezing peptide, Snake," Naomi explained "All of the Genome soldiers in this exercise are using it."

"I see. I'm relieved to hear that. Already tested, huh?" Snake said.

"No," Naomi stated but Snake wasn't listening and continued talking.

"By the way, how's the diversionary operation going?" Snake asked.

Colonel popped up like a mole "Two F-16s just took off from Galena and are headed your way," He said "The terrorist's radar should have already picked them up,"

Snake peered around the box he was hiding behind and used his magic sight to see the helicopter on the landing pad closer and from above "A Hind D?" He said "Colonel, what's a Russian gunship doing here?"

"I didn't give it to them…" Colonel gruffly responded "But it looks like our little diversion got their attention. Now's your best chance to slip in unnoticed!"

Snake watched as the helicopter take off which flung the soldiers around it onto to the ground. Snake stood up and waved at the helicopter as it left even though he knew the pilot couldn't see him… he just found it fun.

"There are only 18 hours left until their deadline… although that counts for nothing in the gaming world as it really only accounts depending where you are in the game… you've got to hurry!" Colonel said.

Even though Colonel's face hadn't gone, a female started talking "Wow… he must crazy to fly a Hind in this kind of weather,"

"Who's that?" Snake asked.

"Oh sorry, I haven't introduced you two yet." Colonel said "This is my alter-ego Mei Ling. She was assigned to us as our visual and data processing specialist. She designed your Codec as well as your Soliton radar system… and by her I mean me… Contact her if you have any questions about either of them."

Colonel ducked down and came back up in a wig "Nice to meet you, Snake. It's an honour to speak to a living legend like yourself."

Snake didn't speak.

"What's wrong?" She/He asked.

"Nothing…" Snake said "But Colonel surely you are not Mei Ling,"

Colonel ripped off the wig "Fine let me get her,"

The real Mei Ling popped up on screen "We're just going to pretend that I said some of the things Colonel said," she looked through her script "Okay, I'll start from this bit: What's wrong?"

"Nothing…" Snake said scanning through his script "I just didn't expect a world-class designer of military technology to be so…cute."

Mei giggled "You're just flattering me…"

"I'M FUCKING SERIOUS!!!! NEVER SAY THAT I LIE!!!! NEVER!!!!!" Snake screamed, he then calmed himself down "Well I know that I won't be bored for the next 18 hours,"

"C'mon…" Mei said "I can't believe I being hit on by the famous Solid Snake… But I'm surprised… your very frank for a trained killer."

"Quiet you fool," Snake hushed "No-one needs know that I've killed before. Looks like we've got a lot to learn about each other,"

"Yeah," Mei said "I'm looking forward to learning about the man behind the legend… but first; let me explain about your Soliton radar system."

"No," Snake said "I've only got 18 bloody hours, shut the fuck up, everyone who's ever played MGS knows how it works so it doesn't need to be explained here! So blah blah blah, cigarettes in my stomach, blah blah blah, the bad guys have pineapples, blah blah blah, air duct, blah blah blah! Just let me got on with my job!"

Snake ran across the landing pad and grabbed some conveniently placed Chaff grenades; he then ran into a little room but stopped to see a Surveillance camera.

"A Surveillance camera?" He said to no-one in particular.

Snake easily moved around it and grabbed some Stun grenades and then ran out of the room towards the back of a truck because somehow he knew where everything was as he grabbed a Socom pistol. He than run up stairs and straight the air duct.

"You've got to seriously doubt the soldiers' skills if none of them saw me running through this place," Snake muttered.

Snake farted and the Codec came up.

"That base must have some kind of ventilation system to re-circulate the air. There should be air ducts around there somewhere-"

"Stop right there!" Snake growled "I'm at the fuckin' air duct now,"

"Sorry," Colonel said "I'll move on,"

"Please," Snake smiled.

"You're not going to believe this, but they shot down the F-16s we were using as a diversion… with a Hind D! Then we got a message from Liquid," Colonel said "He said if we tried something like that again, he blow stuff up! Snake hurry up and get in there! That Hind will be coming back soon!"

The Codec conversation ended and Snake crawled through the air duct. He was in the facility.


	3. Donald Duck Anderson

Snake crawled through the tight, dark air duct with a smile on his face because he knew that he was going to save the world.

He then farted and his codec came up.

"Snake, it's Ronald McDonald, it's been a long time,"

"Master? What are you doing here?" Snake exclaimed.

"Bla bla bla, peace and quiet, bla bla bla. I'm in retirement just like you bla bla bla." Ronald explained.

"Passing on the skills to the new generation, huh?" Snake smirked.

Ronald chuckled "Campbell told me about the situation here. I thought I could be some use,"

"Yeah I won't need that," Snake smiled and closed the codec.

He continued to crawl through the vents looking for an entrance into the main base, on his way he heard some guards talking conveniently loud about the DARPA chief.

"I move the DARPA chief to cell in the 1st floor basement." One guard explained.

"What about the vent shaft cleaning?" The other asked.

"They just opened the vent covers." Guard one replied "They're about to start spraying for rats… and any other animals up there…"

"The 1st floor basement ventilation shaft…" Snake muttered.

"THAT'S RIGHT THE FIRST FLOOR BASEMENT VENTILATION SHAFT!" Guard one reiterated loudly and turned back to Guard 2 "Shut those covers as soon as they're done spraying. Also keep your eye on that woman in the cell. Don't get careless now."

"Woman in the cell?" Snake muttered.

"THAT'S RIGHT THE WOMAN IN THE CELL" Guard one reiterated loudly again.

Snake nodded and continued on his way through the ventilation shaft until he reached an open cover.

He farted and the Colonel came up on the codec "Press the Action button to drop down." He said.

Snake looked at his controller in confusion.

Colonel sighed "Just… just climb down,"

Snake nodded and climbed down the cover.

Snake farted again, this time producing a horrid smell. Colonel popped up "Use the elevator to change floors…"

"Duh!" Snake said.

Colonel ignored him and continued "There should be a cargo elevator that you can take down somewhere around there. Try to find it."

Snake ran across the balcony, past some cameras and down some stairs. He ran past a tank and into an elevator.

He dwindled over the buttons for a second and then pressed B1.

Mei Ling popped up on the codec "Look at the radar! It's picking up the DARPA chief-"

"So I don't have to?" Snake asked interrupting.

Mei Ling shook her head "No. He's the green dot. Hurry up and rescue him."

"Rescue a green dot? Pretty stupid but okay," Snake shrugged.

He ran through the corridor and to a ladder.

Colonel popped up "Snake, if you want to go up or down a ladder, just press the Action button by the ladder."

Again Snake looked at his controller in confusion.

"Just climb the bloody ladder," Colonel sighed.

Snake nodded and climbed the ladder and back into the cramped old shafts. He looked down into one of the shaft covers to see a guard taking a shit and talking to himself.

"Damn caught a cold. I hate Alaska." The guard complained "Boy oh boy. That woman is built all right." He got up and left without flushing…….tramp.

Snake continued through the shaft until he saw an opening once again. In the room below him was a woman doing sit ups.

"Is that a woman…?" Snake muttered.

The woman looked up and scowled.

"Not him." Snake said and continued on.

Snake neared the DARPA chief and tried to open the shaft.

The chief looked up "Who… who, who's that??"

Snake didn't answer and instead flopped down like a… like a snake.

"I'm here to save you," Snake said "You're the DARPA chief, Donald Duck Anderson, right?"

"You're here to save me huh?" Donald Duck said and then slightly stepped backwards "What's your outfit?"

"It's a lovely tight fitting Armani outfit, thanks for noticing," Snake twirled.

Donald nodded "Nice. Who do you work for?"

Snake walked forward "I'm the pawn they sent here to save your worthless butt."

Donald paused "You're a dick." But he sat down and continued the story "It's true. You don't look like one of them. In that case, hurry up and get me out of here."

Snake moved forward "Slow down. Don't worry. First I want some information… about the terrorists."

"The terrorists?" Donald said.

"Do they really have the ability to blow shit up?" Snake asked.

Donald frowned "What are you talking about?"

"The terrorists are threatening the White House." Snake explained "They say if they don't accede to their demands, they'll launch a nuclear weapon."

"Sweet Jesus…" Donald cursed.

"What?!" Snake exclaimed but shook it off "Never mind. Is it possible!?"

Donald looked up "….it's possible." He continued "They…could blow shit up."

"How do they plan to launch?" Snake asked gruffly "I thought this place was just for keeping the dismantled warheads. They shouldn't have access to a missile."

"What I'm about to tell you is classified information-"

"-Thanks"

"Okay?" Donald said getting up and looking at a wall "We were conducting exercises with a new type of experimental weapon. A weapon that will change the world."

Snake turned around "What?"

"I'm not repeating myself," Donald said "It's a weapon with the ability to blow shit up from any place on the face of the earth a nuclear equipped walking battle tank."

"Metal Gear?!" Snake exclaimed "It can't be!"

"You knew!?" Donald asked surprised.

Snake nodded "At the risk of ripping off Egoraptor, the fucking game is called Metal Gear Solid! So that's the reason you were here as this disposal site?"

"Why else would I come to a God forsaken place like this?" Donald replied.

"I had heard that the Metal Gear project was scrapped." Snake said.

"No," Donald replied "Hideo decided to keep going. The franchise will grow and keep growing. This is just the start of legendary games under the name of Metal Gear Solid. But back into the game… if it hadn't been for the revolution the company would be fine with Metal Gear."

"Revolution?" Snake asked.

"Rex has fallen into the hands of terrorists," Donald explained.

"Rex?" Snake muttered.

"The code name for the new Metal Gear prototype. They're probably already finished arming the warhead they plan to use with Rex. These guys are pros."

The guard heard Donald talking and slowly started walking towards the door.

"They're all experienced in handling and equipping weapons." Donald said.

"Hey!" The guard shouted as he looked through the door "Shut up in there willya!"

Donald turned around and waved him away "Fuck off asshole,"

The guard wandered off muttering "Stupid Snake sneaking into cells and talking to prisoners."

"But I thought that all nuclear warheads were equipped with safety measures." Snake said continuing the conversation "Some kind of detonation code that you have to input…"

Donald looked at him "Oh, you mean PAL." He nodded "Yes of course, there is a PAL. It's set up so that you need to input two different passwords in order to launch a device."

"There are two passwords?" Snake asked.

"Yes." Donald confirmed "Baker knows one, and I know one,"

"Baker? The president of ArmsTech?" Snake said.

Donald nodded "That's right. Each of us needs to input our password or there can be no launch." He said "But… they found out my password!"

"You talked?" Snake enquired.

Donald walked away "Psycho Mantis can read people's minds."

"Bollocks," Snake muttered.

"He's one of the members of FOX-HOUND. He has psychic powers." Donald said.

"Bollocks," Snake repeated.

"It's just a matter of time before they get Baker's too…" Donald said.

On the other side of the cell. The mysterious ginger woman listened in… she was Meryl… yeah…


	4. The Plot Develops

"If they find out Baker's password…" Snake muttered.

"Yes." Donald replied.

Snake scratched his hand "I'm sorry… what? I didn't make a comment requiring your back chat! But I'm a polite man so please go ahead,"

Donald nodded "They'll be able to blow shit up anytime. But… there is a way to stop the blowing of shit up."

"What?" Said Snake turning around dramatically.

"The card keys," Donald replied.

Snake shook his head "No I wasn't listeni-, it doesn't matter just keep talking,"

"The card keys were designed by ArmsTech, the system developers-" Donald started to explain.

"-Not LegsTech?" Snake quipped.

Donald stared blankly at him.

Snake waved him on "Forget it. Just… carry on talking,"

"They were developed as an emergency override. Even without the passwords, you can just insert the card keys and engage the safety lock," Donald explained.

"And if I do that?" Snake asked.

"Yes." Donald replied.

Snake scratched his head again "Again, yes is not answer. Give me the bloody answer!"

"Okay, I'm sorry." Donald said "You can stop the blowing up of shit!"

Meryl, who was listening in to the conversation, kneeled down and muttered to herself "That card key…?"

"So where are the keys?" Snake said getting to point.

"Baker should have them," Donald replied "Listen-"

Snake smiled embarrassingly and put away his phone.

"-You need three card keys." Donald continued "There are three different slots to put them in. You need to insert a card into each of them."

"Okay, three card keys." Snake nodded "Do you know where they might be keeping Baker?"

"Somewhere in the 2nd floor basement," Donald answered.

"2nd floor basement?" Snake enquired.

"I heard the guard say they moved him to an area that has a lot of electronic jamming," Donald clarified.

"Any other clues?" Snake asked.

Donald nodded "Yes… they cemented over the entrances, but didn't have enough time to paint them… which is shame because this place is so drab. I would love a lilac colour to cheer up the building. But anyway why don't you look in those areas."

"Where the walls are a different colour?" Snake asked (He asks a lot of questions).

Donald nodded and stood up. He ruffled through his shirt and produced a card "Here take this. It's my ID card. It'll open any level one security door. It's called a PAN card. It works together with your body's own electrical field."

"Pingu's Aunty Nora, huh?" Snake said.

Donald stared at him and slowly shook his head "No. It stands for Personal Area Network. It transmits data using the salts in your body as the transmission medium." He explained (He has to do a lot of explanations) "As you approach the door's security devices, they'll read the data stored in the card."

Snake nodded "And the doors will open automatically. Gotcha. Ok. I'm gonna get you out of here."

Donald raised his hand "Wait a minute."

"What is it?" Snake said.

"You… haven't heard any other way to disarm PAL, have you? From your bosses or anyone."

Snake shook his head "No,"

Donald walked forward "Are you sure you haven't heard anything?"

Snake frowned "I just said no, you annoying poo!"

"So, does the White House plan to give in to the terrorist's demands?" Donald asked.

"That's their problem," Snake grumbled "It has nothing to do with my orders."

"But… what about the Pentagon?" Donald exclaimed.

"Pentagon?" Snake muttered.

"Nnnnnngrrrrrhhhhhghhhhh!!!" Donald screamed clutching his chest.

"What is it?!" Snake asked shocked.

Donald clutched his chest and started to screech in pain.

"Oh no!" Snake said "The poor animal is hurt! I must end his pain," And with that he shot Donald in the head quickly killing him.

Meryl started banging on her door in an attempt to escape and find out what was wrong.

Snake kneeled down to the dead man and closed Donald's eyes "Sleep now, fallen angel." He muttered quietly.

Snake got out his controller and pressed select, instantly bringing up the codec.

"Naomi, the chief! What happened!?" Snake shouted.

"You…you shot him," Naomi answered shocked.

Snake shook his head vigorously "No! Before that!"

"I… I don't know," Naomi answered still shocked "It looked like a heart attack, but-"

"Stop right there!" Snake ordered "You said you didn't know, so you DON'T KNOW!!! Be quiet!"

Naomi bowed her head and was silent.

Colonel popped up "A heart attack? No…"

"Colonel, are you hiding something from me?" Snake said angrily.

"Absolutely not Snake, you've got to understand." Colonel said "This op is security level Really Bad and Hard! You need the highest security clearance to get access to the complete file."

"You want me to believe that you're in charge of this op, but you don't have complete access to the file!?" Snake said shocked.

"I told you. The Security of Defence is in operational control," Colonel whined "I'm just here as your support,"

Snake didn't answer… he was on his phone again.

"Snake, we don't have time to debate," Colonel continued "Get out of there and find President Bun Baker!"

Snake closed the codec and stood there for a moment as he texted his mate Freddy:

_This guy's a douche. Peace out m8._

_From Snake daug!_

Noises started coming from outside of the cell, the sound of scuffling. The door unlocked and a guard waited outside. Snake ran outside of the cell and continued on his quest.


	5. Smelly Rookie

Contrary to what I said in the last sentence of the last chapter, Snake cautiously wandered out of the cell. He noticed some naked guy on the floor but suddenly a gun was at the side of his head.

"Don't move!" A voice demanded "So you killed the Chief. You bastard!"

Snake moved and looked at the person head on "Never and I mean never call me a bastard. It is rude and it is not needed,"

The guard looked at him "Liquid!? No… you're not."

Snake smiled "No… I'm a lot… harder,"

He ducked down randomly.

"Don't move!!!" The guard demanded.

Snake stood up "Is this the first time you ever pointed a gun at a person?" He said "Your hands are shaking."

"!!!" The guard said (Which to be brutally honest isn't a word at all unless the guard actually said the words 'exclamation point' three times, but the guard did not).

Snake grabbed the gun point like a super bad cool guy "Can you shoot me Smelly Rookie?"

"Careful I'm no Smelly Rookie!" The guard replied warningly.

"Liar! That nervous glance, that scared looked in your eyes and the piss stains on your trousers. That's rookie piss if I ever saw it." Snake said "You've never shot a person, am I right?"

"You talk too much." The guard retorted.

"And you pee too much," Snake replied coolly "You haven't even taken the safety off, smelly rookie."

"I told you I'm no Smelly Rookie!" The guard shouted back.

Outside of the room, guards gathered prepping themselves to attack.

"Your not one of them, are you?" Snake insinuated.

The guard ignored him "Open that door!" The guard demanded "You've got a card, don't you?!"

"Why?" Snake asked.

"So we get the hell out of here!" The guard replied (I'm bored of this so I'm just gonna say that the guard is Meryl!)

The door opened instantly.

"Looks like we'll be a little delayed," Snake commented looking at the open door as guards poured in.

"What're you doing?!" Snake demanded "Don't think! Shoot!"

The guards ran in and started shooting up the place.

"Not you!" Snake whined "I meant the smelly rookie!"

"Oh," One of the guards apologised "I'm sorry. Stop shooting guys,"

Snake quickly mowed through the guards, and left them… well left them dead.

"What are you waiting for?! Shoot!" Snake shouted at Meryl.

"Don't talk to me like I'm a Smelly Rookie!" Meryl retorted.

More guards poured in.

"I'm telling you! Shoot!" Snake demanded.

Meryl shot through quickly. The second wave of guards were obviously losers for being killed so easily.

A third wave ran in.

"God dammit! I'm sick of this!" Snake shouted and roared "Snake power!!!"

He ran at them a destroyed them with a massive blast of… of erm… Snake power? Will that work? I'm going with that! He killed them with Snake power.

Some more guards ran in after them.

"Snake use your Snake power!" Meryl shouted.

Snake raised an eyebrow "Snake… power?"

"You just used it!" Meryl whined.

Snake shook his head slowly "I'm telling you Smelly Rookie that I have never heard of this Snake Power or used it!"

Meryl looked at him.

"Shut up and get on with the shooting! You're such a ratard!" Snake retorted.

"Tch! It's rEtard not ratard! You retard!" Meryl retorted back at him.

Snake shrugged "Whatever," He scratched his head "Have you wondered why we haven't died from bullets yet? I mean we're having this really long conversation and we're still alive."

Meryl nodded "Yeah I suppose. Let's start fighting again!"

They quickly killed the guards who were shooting at the naked man for fun.

Long story short. They killed all of the guards that came in.

Meryl walked out wiggling her bum. She checked the hall cautiously.

"Thanks for the help," Meryl said turning to Snake.

She ran off and Snake chased after her.

"Wait!" He shouted as he looked at her finely toned arse "Who are you?!"

Meryl (Because that's who she was) ran through a door and out of sight.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Suddenly some weird flashback thingy mabob happened.

"You foolish poo!" Liquid shouted "You've killed him!"

"I'm sorry sir," Ocelot replied.

"His mental shielding was very strong. I couldn't dive into his mind." Psycho Mantis said.

"Now we'll never get that detonation code…" Liquid cursed.

"Boss, I have a good idea." Psycho Mantis said.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Snake chased after Meryl who turned at shot at him. He rolled out of the way. She kept shooting like a frickin mentalist. But Snake just stayed where he was.

"Damn…" He muttered.

She made some kind of gay celebration movement and the elevator doors closed.

Suddenly some guy in gas mask and what looked like a leather bondage outfit and floated in the air. It was Psycho Mantis, but don't tell Snake because he doesn't know yet.

"Good girl. Just like that…" Psycho Mantis purred, he looked at Snake "Are you my mummy?"

Snake recoiled "Oh God, I hope not!"

Psycho Mantis then disappeared.

Snake pressed Select on his controller and the codec popped up with Naomi.

"Naomi, I just had some kind of hallucination." Snake said "Is it from the nanomachines?"

"No, Snake." Naomi replied "The nanomachines are functioning properly."

"So what was it? Snake asked.

"You're either a complete weirdo schizophrenic," Naomi said "Or it's the completely sexual Psycho Mantis! FOX-HOUND's psychic. Think of it as a mental feedback loop, and remember to take your pills,"

"So that was Mantis…?" Snake muttered.

He closed the codec and ran to the elevator. He pressed the B2 button and continued with super spying mission.


	6. The Fat Man and the Texan

Snake ran off the elevator like a super spy full of confidence (Which he was). He was in a massive big massive room with small tiny small rooms scattered around it. He ran into one like he knew where everything was, as if he had done it all before (Which he had but don't tell anyone and grabbed some C4.)

"Ye-ah! Gonna blow some shit up!" He cheered.

Snake trotted off like a cheery puppy to some off colour walls and placed his C4. One wall blew up and he collected more C4 from a new room. After collecting the C4 he ran off to another wall which he thusly blew up. He went into the newly made corridor. He ran down a long corridor, his radar was jammed. Blowing up another wall he ran down another wall (It should be noted that he likes to blow stuff up. Just so you know…okay? Okay). Once again he blew up so walls and walked into a new room, and into a new confrontation.

In front of Snake was Bun Baker, tied up to a large metal (Not nylon) pylon.

"Am I too late?" Snake asked himself gruffly and walked forward to the chubby man.

"Oooooo," Baker squirmed "Huhuhuhuhuhuh…"

"He's alive," Snake commented (He gets very lonely so he must talk to himself. Yeah I know he could contact codec but he's not too bright) and directly conversed with Baker "You're the ArmsTech president, Kenneth Bun Baker, right?"

Baker groaned and nodded like a spag in response.

"Don't worry; I'm here to save you." Snake assured the fat man (No not the fat man from MGS2, this man was just fat. Probably eating too much buns) He reached forward.

"Noooo! Don't touch it…" Baker moaned as Snake went to touch a piece of wire.

Snake recoiled "Fine! Gosh!" But then he noticed why Baker had told him off "C4!"

A gunshot went off and Snake jumped away.

"Right. Touch the wire…" A gruff Texan voice said "And the C4 will blow up along with the old fat man!" The antagonist walked into sight, holding a revolver in his hand "So you're the one that the Boss keeps talking about."

"And you?" Snake said.

"No he never talks about me," The man grimaced a tear dropped from his eye.

Snake shook his head sympathetically and then smiled "Who are you?"

"Special Operations FOX-HOUND," He didn't a load of crappy tricks with his gun "Revolver Ocelot!" He did a load more crappy tricks "I've been waiting for you, Solid Snake. Now we'll see if the man can live up to the legend!"

Snake waved him away embarrassingly "Well I don't know about a legend,"

"This is the greatest handgun ever made." Ocelot said stroking his gun gingerly "The Colt Single Action Army." He did even more crappy tricks "Six bullets. More than enough to kill anything that moves."

Snake raised an eyebrow "Well duh, one bullet in the brain would kill something, duh brain,"

Ocelot frowned but continued with his little speech which he had pre-prepared "Now I'll show you why they call me 'Revolver'!"

Snake chuckled "You blatantly gave yourself that name,"

"Fuck you!" Ocelot retorted angrily "Draw!" He shouted.

Snake sat down and drew on his notepad. He showed it to Ocelot "Look! A bunny!"

Ocelot blinked in joy "Ooo, how very cute!" He then took out his gun "Let's fight!"

"Okay!" Snake nodded vigorously and jumping onto his feet.

Snake ran around the pylon.

"Hiding won't help you," Ocelot cooed, after a second he stamped his foot "Where are you?!"

Snake shot him and Ocelot made a loud ouchy sound.

After a long while of running around the pylon and shooting like two toddlers playing cops and robbers, Ocelot ran out of bullets.

"I love to reload in battle," Ocelot chuckled but Snake shot him.

Ocelot ran away without a loaded gun and Snake chased after him. Snake shot him seven million billion times.

Suddenly Ocelot was away from Snake and hiding behind a pole "You're pretty good." Ocelot commented "Just what I'd expect from the same code as the boss. It's been a long time since I've had such a good fight but I'm just getting warmed up!"

He jumped out with newly loaded gun and aimed at Snake but his hand fell off.

"My hand!" Ocelot screamed.

The wires were all tripped and Baker fell from where he was strapped. Ocelot was thrown against the wall from the blast of the detonated C4.

"Stealth camouflage!" Ocelot exclaimed, he stood up to face the assailant "Can't you even die right!?" He turned to Snake "You were lucky. We'll meet again!"

"Goodbye!" Snake waved happily and then aimed at the mysterious new dude "Who are you?!"

The dude in a skin tight blue outfit walked forward "I'm like you… I have no name."

Fat man Bun Baker quivered on the floor "That… that exoskeleton!"

The dude roared in pain "Ggggyaaarrrggggghhhhhh!!!"

He quickly acrobatically ran out of the room.

"Who the hell?" Snake muttered.

He helped Bun Baker up with a heave ho! "Can you talk?" He asked.

"Who are you?" Baker asked like a fat man "Do you have food?"

"I'm not one of them, and I don't have any food," Snake explained "The DARPA Chief told me he gave them his detonation code. What about yours?"

"Oh I get it. Jim sent you," The fatty wheezed "You…you're from the Pentagon."

"Answer my question!" Snake demanded rather aggressively "What about your code?! There's no time!"

"I…talked…" Bun Baker admitted.

"What?!" Snake exclaimed "Now the terrorists have both codes and can launch anytime!"

Bun Baker looked up with a sad face "It's not like I didn't fight. I managed to resist Psycho Mantis' sexual mind probe."

"He couldn't read you? How'd you do it?" Snake asked.

"Surgical implants in brain… plus I'm bi-sexual," Bun Baker explained.

"Surgical implants?" Snake muttered.

Bun Baker nodded "Kind of like a psychic insulation, everyone who knows these top-secret codes has it…. plus I'm bi-sexual,"

"Even the DARPA chief?" Snake asked.

Bun Baker shook his head "Nah he's straight,"

Snake frowned "No I meant the surgical implants,"

"Oh, yeah he does," Bun Baker confirmed.

"But the DARPA Chief said Mantis got his code by sexually reading his mind." Snake said.

"Are you sure you heard him right?" Bun Baker asked.

Snake crossed his arms and pouted "YES!!! I'm not deaf y'know!" He frowned "Anyway, how did they get your code?"

"I never had training on how to resist torture," He coughed.

"It looks like he had some fun with you all right." Snake nodded.

"He's not human," Bun Baker said "I tell you he enjoyed every second of it, and I only stopped enjoying it after five hours,"

"What happened to your arm?" Snake asked pointing at… well at his arm.

"He broke it," Bun Baker answered.

"Looks like you're more than even now. His was sliced off," Snake chuckled.

"HA! You're a funny man!" Bun Baker guffawed "So the DARPA chief…. Is he okay?"

"Dead,"

"What?!" Bun Baker choked "It can't be!" He hit Snake's leg with his stick (Ooo-er) "You know, that's not what you promised, Jim! Now you want to shut me up!"

Snake grabbed his arm "Calm down! What's wrong with you? I just told you, I was here to save you!" He frowned at him "I didn't kill the DARPA chief… kind of. He had a heart attack or something…"

"A heart attack?" Bun Baker raised an eyebrow "Don't be a fool-"

"-Don't be a fatty," Snake interjected "Anyway, the terrorists have both codes now,"

"Those boys are totally insane," Bun Baker muttered "They wouldn't hesitate to launch,"

"I agree," Snake agreed "But what do they really want?"

"Who knows," Bun Baker said "Maybe they're like us in the arms industry, always looking forward to the next good war,"

"Well I'm not going to let those fuckbitches start a war today," Snake grumbled "Do you still have the card keys?"

"Card keys?" Bun Baker repeated in a confused manner.

"To override the detonation code! I heard you had them…" Snake explained.

Bun Baker bowed his head "No, not anymore…"

Snake turned angrily "What?! Who does then!? Not the terrorists!?"

Bun Baker shook his head "Calm down you low pixelated spy. No. That woman."

Snake frowned "Woman!? Who?"

"A soldier that was thrown in prison along with me. She had a fine ass," Bun Baker clarified.

"A female soldier with a fine ass? It must be…" Snake muttered.

"She said that she had just joined up as a new recruit." Bun Baker explained "They threw her in prison 'cause she refused to take part in the rebellion and refused to let Liquid take pictures of her ass,"

"A new recruit? Could that be Colonel's niece?!" Snake muttered to himself.

"I gave her the key;" Bun Baker said "Looks like she managed to break out of here though. I hope she and her lovely ass is okay,"

"I'm sure she is," Snake reassured "She's green… but as tough as they come. But how did you know that she escaped?"

"I don't how she's green but I'll answer you're question. I was in contact with her by Codec," Bun Baker stated "Until I was tied up here that is,"

"Codec?" Snake asked.

He nodded "Yes. She stole it from the guard. If she still has it, you should be able to contact her."

"I'm sure she still has it," Snake said "What frequency was she at?"

"Oh yeah. Let me tell you," Bun Baker replied but then he started groaning fatly "ooooehhrtrht,"

"Huh?" Snake muttered

"Oh, sorry I forgot," Bun Baker said like a fat man.

Snake flung his fist "Damn!"

"Oh that's right! It should be on the back of the CD case. Try to contact her!" Bun Baker exclaimed.

"You're talking absolute bollocks, but I'll contact her right away," Snake said "But tell me… if this doesn't work, is there some other way to prevent them blowing shit up?"

Bun Baker thought about this "Hmm, you need to find Hal Emmerich, one of my employees,"

"Who's that?" Snake asked.

"One of my employees," Bun Baker answered.

Snake shook his head "No, what does he do?"

"Oh, he's the team leader of the Metal Gear Rex project. A genius at engineering, but a little bit of an oddball." Bun Baker said "If there's anyone who can figure out how to stop Metal Gear launching, it's him."

Snake looked at him "What if this douchebag can't come up with anything?"

"You'll have to destroy it!" Bun Baker replied "Emmerich knows how to destroy Metal Gear."

"Where is this douchebag?" Snake asked.

Bun Baker pointed his stick at Snake (Ooo-er) "Well… he's probably being held somewhere in the Nuclear Warhead Storage Building." He said "Its north from here. That's where he worked,"

Snake nodded "I understand, but… why Metal Gear? The nuclear age ended with the turn of the millennium,"

Bun Baker shook his head "You're wrong. The threat of a nuclear war isn't gone. In fact it's greater than it's ever been!"

_Just want to thank those who have been reading. Gerkyhen (woohoo), Ghostsammeo, Sanguinary Tears and OcelotNinja666._


End file.
